Doldrum-nadrochits. Ha-ha.

It’s getting a bit thick, I think.

I still love it here, and love what I’m doing. I love the rain and the buildings and the people and the culture. But there’s something maudlin in the air, and it’s cutting through my defenses, riding a chill bladed-winter breeze to the core of me. Part of it is the all-too-familiar notion of falling behind where I am *supposed* to be in school. I’ve always worked best under pressure, and my most well-founded writings are born of sleepless evenings irradiated by cathode-tubular illumination, when no one else stirs or speaks. But it’s procrastinatory hell until then, to be sure. And really, there’s just *so* much to soak up between here and there.

Luckily, virtually my whole Department is in the same place. And as we walked out of another stultifying citation and bibliography lecture, bleary-eyed and weaving in our student steps, I think we all shared the same impending doom-depression of a big, man-eating project looming on the horizon, threatening to destroy Santa’s well-laid plans to bring us cheer, and toys, and a nice trip up to the frosty Highlands. And beer. Have I mentioned beer?

As well…

My Black Pen is drying out, I fear, and I’m loath to pull out the red one, because that implement is clearly associated with correcting one’s self…making revisions when you know you’ve already written that emotional thesis a thousand times before. Red circles and crimson strikethroughs are my worst enemies; heralds to insufficient thought-maps and specious implementations of bad grammar that you *swore* you’d worked out when you were in the third-grade. I’ve been through all that before, and I’m ready to be perfect now. Perfect in my actions towards others, and unblemished in my care for myself, with the sterling returns waiting for me just around that perpetual corner, the one I’ve worked so hard to navigate around. My stubbornness and obstinance carves the path ahead yet drags my ass behind, kicking and screaming for dear life. My own horns are pulling me apart, at times.

The corners are the same here, but older, and wetter. And my self-correcting pen is always in my front pocket, sans stylish plastic-protector, ready to whip out at a moment’s notice and psychologically chastise myself for words and actions stupid and selfish. I hate doing it, but it’s upkeep. And I need to keep up…

8 Responses to “Doldrum-nadrochits. Ha-ha.”

  1. inkbot Says:
    November 13th, 2003 at 2:50 pm

    ah, the self-correcting pen. mine has never ending ink. i think it's blue, tho.

  2. velvetdahlia Says:
    November 13th, 2003 at 5:42 pm

    So you *do* have a pocket protector! I knew it! At least you practice save stylus storage.
    OK, so I shouldn't really offer any advice or wisdom, 'cause, well– look at me! But, I will. This sounds like the first year of grad school blues. At least I had them.
    Beer helps. and Friends, and you have both!
    Don't fear the red pen. It is your friend. (spoken like a true English teacher)

  3. Anonymous Says:
    November 13th, 2003 at 5:44 pm

    blame it on the time change~
    I feel you hon!
    Just the fact that I spend all the sunlight hours indoors is getting me feeling poopy. Just think, only 39 days until Winter solstice and then the days get longer…….need more tea! Keep your chin up. You've got fans back here in the States, and I'm not talking about the knid that blow..oh, wait, that came out all wrong…umm, I mean, oh you know.
    -colleen 🙂

  4. angledge Says:
    November 14th, 2003 at 2:18 am

    It's partially the season, I think. The daylight hours are getting quite short, & even at midday the sun seems weak & the shadows long. Use that red-tipped pen to flip through a catalog & find a sunlamp!

  5. kratkrat Says:
    November 14th, 2003 at 3:42 am

    Aaah… the grad school "we're all so far behind we're COMPLETELY FUCKED" group doom all of your cohorts and you feel… I remember it well! Most of the rest solved it by burning midnight oil and consuming vast amounts of beer. Sounds like you got it covered!!

  6. Anonymous Says:
    November 14th, 2003 at 3:55 am

    Hey – don't dis the bibliography and citation lecture! 80) Could be worse you could be about to attend a two hour cataloguing seminar! Wish me luck…
    Hope to catch up with you soon – say Hi to Helen for me.
    Nekkid Boy

  7. effrontery Says:
    November 15th, 2003 at 8:39 am

    Don't know you (just stumbled across your journal through a friend), but wanted to say I sympathize with where you are, and I admire your ability to be bluntly honest and self-aware about what you're going through. It's probably cold comfort to know that it sounds like you're feeling exactly what you should be, considering the choices and challenges in front of you, but it does. And I wish you luck in figuring it out, and making it through to the better spots, even though it's difficult. Just wanted to say that!

  8. FunkyPlaid Says:
    November 15th, 2003 at 9:14 am

    And I thank you dearly for doing so.
    And for putting it so intuitively.
    Just a process; we all do it on varying levels, and clearly you've also been through it, and may or may not be on the other side.
    Got any extra ink? 🙂

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