Chum. Krill. Brine.

I wasn’t kidding when I said that I can’t be with anyone right now.

Even the most likely, or desirable, or perfectly suited, with all apologies, wounds healed, and long, slender fingers reaching out to gently cup things material and emotional.

That’s all I’ll say about that right now.

At least I’m being true to myself, and at least I’m really making a deep effort to rectify the kernel panics that keep a steady, familiar schism between left and right, up and down.

Right and wrong. So that one day, I can actually function again on that level.

Maybe I’m just exhausted from gallivanting, opening up, reaching into shadowed areas and taking out things that I really have no time right now to examine. They looked so much better in the old cigar box relegated to the corner of the bedroom. A lovely conversation piece and one of my prized possessions, but cracked and worn and now unable to fit the dearest, most important keepsakes from my life and experiences.

I woke up this morning totally exhausted and feeling like I didn’t sleep a wink, so I chose to engage myself with numbing mundane activity and eschew any social functions, letting my guest go off on her own and explore the city. All today, and tonight the same, and I’m wrestling with it, because I should be hosting, and entertaining, and connecting, but I need to do something else right now, and I don’t really know how long Right Now will last. I just have to.

When have I ever said that, and done that?

We’re stepping through the door,
we’re shooting from the heart
but if we get it wrong,
they’ll feed us to the sharks…

11 Responses to “Chum. Krill. Brine.”

  1. dangerine Says:
    March 26th, 2004 at 9:37 am

    there is no magical "right time" for loving or living

  2. thedarkcyde Says:
    March 26th, 2004 at 9:49 am

    mau ke aloha.
    this is me sending all the good energy towards you.
    give it all time.

  3. FunkyPlaid Says:
    April 1st, 2004 at 8:01 pm

    I can feel it from you.
    Even all the way over here…

  4. agntprovocateur Says:
    March 26th, 2004 at 10:02 am

    i have not forgotten you …. i will be emailing soon. i've got some things to add to this post but i will do it privately. 🙂

  5. FunkyPlaid Says:
    April 1st, 2004 at 8:02 pm

    Can't wait. 🙂

  6. Anonymous Says:
    March 26th, 2004 at 10:43 am

    > because I should be hosting, and entertaining, and connecting
    dude – part of being the perfect host is knowing when to let 'em go and do what they want to do.
    you don't have to – and probably shouldn't – be there *all* the time.

  7. pisica Says:
    March 27th, 2004 at 4:44 am

    Absolutely. If this feels wrong as a host, look at it this way: sometimes the *guests* want down time, too.

  8. lilitufire Says:
    March 26th, 2004 at 7:06 pm

    Give yourself some *you* time. It sounds like you need it.

  9. blu_matt Says:
    March 27th, 2004 at 1:04 am

    I agree, don't spark out. Take some time for yourself, find out what you want, and when you're ready, you're ready.

  10. scotis_man Says:
    March 29th, 2004 at 5:45 am

    "…By taking care of yourself, you ARE taking care of others…"
    A good friend of mine said this to me … What was his name? Oh, yeah … it was Darren.

  11. FunkyPlaid Says:
    April 1st, 2004 at 8:03 pm

    Heheh. And how!

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