Chewing my cud.

I have a driving desire to make a contribution in whatever it is I decide to do. I have so many interests and foci, and all of them – in my mind, at least – involve navigating the most effective path for enjoyment of the interest itself and looking for the best way to accomplish this well and with lasting results. Perhaps my love of history has rubbed off on my sense of human finiteness and has stoked the my desire to make an impression while I’m able. Whether that impression is to be remembered in the long-term or is to just revel in the short-term is still a question I attempt to answer with startling regularity. Regardless, both are part of the mix, and this is the mechanism behind my sense of purpose. We all need one of those, if not a few.

It can be said, I believe, that I’m an extremely motivated person; not complacent about much. Perhaps too opinionated or dogmatic at times, but I certainly feel strongly one way or another about most things, and that includes about what contributions I want to make in this life. Whether this arises from insecurity or benevolence, earnest desire or the need for stimulation and sustenance, I’m still examining. But when I look back on what I’ve done at the end of my life, what I’m sure of is that I want to have as few regrets as possible, and I want to think to myself, “this hasn’t been bad for a life’s work’.

That is the end I want to be left with, and that is why I do my best to make sure that the things I undertake are not done half-assed. Regardless of nascent ability, I know that when I put my energy and focus into something, it skirts resistance and takes the shape of my desires. Most of the time, but not always. These are the things that I like to craft, and that I enjoy doing – all of them adding to a fulfilling experience and a solid life’s work. I won’t squander my time or my activity, my choice of friends or my behaviour. All of them add up, and all of them make me who I am, and craft me into who I want to be.

This is why I am so gutted about not receiving this research position. This is the last I’ll speak of it here, but it needs to come out. I wasn’t kidding when I explained that this is the pinnacle of my interest and study. Before I knew it was possible, the desire to undertake the job was still there in my heart. When it fell into my lap and was then dangled over my head, I could not believe that I actually had a shot at being a part of it, but I absolutely knew that I was the man for the job. That my contribution in this field – the ultimate field that I have chosen for myself – would be made and might add a small part back to History after all that it’s given me. It would have opened so many doors, and would have fulfilled my dreamiest dream, and regardless of the reasons I was passed by, I do wonder if I’ll regret missing out on it for the rest of my life. This is the first thing I’ve ever experienced that I wish I would have been ignorant of from the start.

I can be proud of being referred and considered for it, but to know I was so close but to no avail only brings me pain. And it is pain, just like I’ve been smacked in the heart. I had no idea I would be so affected. I’ve never lost out on something I’ve wanted so badly, and it shows. Perhaps I’m spoiled rotten, then. But of course I’m aware of all the positive things that have come, and of the other possibilities out there for the future, and of the good things I have wrought until this came up. I know I have no reason to be melancholic, but I do feel a loss, and I am saddened that I won’t be attached to such a massive and wonderful project that is so very important to me. Yes, there will be other things, like there will be other jobs, girls, and opportunities.

But I’m in love with this one.

Regardless of this, whatever I do, I’m going to do it well. That’s always been my promise, and I’m not veering from that course. My drive is still there, though I kind of feel that I’ve been broken up with by someone extremely important to me. I still have a life’s work ahead of me, to add to the wonders I’ve already seen and gotten a hold of, and I’ll have to learn to accept that there are many other holes to be filled, excavations to be undertaken, and archives to hunt through. They may not have the same glimmer to them, but they are not any less worthy of my attentions.

If it’s a store, it’ll be the best one possible. If it’s a book, it will be written with the best possible intentions, and if She comes along, I’ll shower her with the best love in my heart. Of course all of this is done humbly, but with ferocious ambition.

Forgive this bit of self-indulgence, as it is often unbecoming. But it is pleasant to know that you’re out there, and feeling similar things, with similar thoughts. And you don’t even have to say it.

8 Responses to “Chewing my cud.”

  1. seolta Says:
    June 23rd, 2004 at 6:51 pm

    oh… ;')
    Don't feel bad for grieving, you are more than entitled!

  2. FunkyPlaid Says:
    June 24th, 2004 at 8:45 pm

    Few people want to hear about grieving, so some of us are inured to pretending everything is okay…a brave face with a grave core behind it. Of course, true friends are always there to listen and console, and this is why I'm such a lucky bastard.
    And truly, pain is relative. To the larger life and the contextual situation. I'm aware of this.

  3. angledge Says:
    June 23rd, 2004 at 8:16 pm

    This is how I felt when I failed the physical for the Air Force Academy, & realized I would probably never be accepted to the astronaut corps. But you know what? I ended up going to college for environmental work, which I have found challenging & exciting & definitely worth doing. It's my passion & life work, & it is immensely fulfillig. And now, <a href = "; rel="nofollow">Burt Rutan & my heroes over at Scaled Composites might be opening another door to space travel. Their recent flight fills me with the certainty that sometime in my life I will make it to space. But it won't be the way I thought it was going to happen.
    There's a (poor) analogy buried somewhere in this ramble. Oh! Here it is – you never know when or how you might get a chance to do something like this again. Not this exact opportunity – but something else. Something you can't even conceive of right now. Just wait, you'll see!

  4. spiffington Says:
    June 24th, 2004 at 2:14 am

    I agree with this sentiment exactly and it's kinda what I said earlier today. But I shall post my wafflings so you can come back to them.
    *It* will happen. No, maybe not this, or the next thing. But whatever *it* is, will. Because you strive and you try and you keep on looking and searching and you won't give up.
    Because, you are you.
    Of course you know this already, not being a goof. But sometimes you need to read it in the forms of typed garble from another to remember it 🙂

  5. FunkyPlaid Says:
    June 24th, 2004 at 8:40 pm

    Absolutely right. Thanks for saying so,

  6. FunkyPlaid Says:
    June 24th, 2004 at 8:42 pm

    I always knew you were a space cadet…
    This is a good example of how the strings and paths are laid out early, and how we tend to follow them where we want to, in whatever we end up doing. Can't take the fight out of a person, can we?

  7. Anonymous Says:
    June 23rd, 2004 at 11:28 pm

    Sometimes words cannot comfort as much as listening can; our ears are always yours.
    Hugs and head butts;
    C&T :o)

  8. FunkyPlaid Says:
    June 24th, 2004 at 8:39 pm

    Cheerycheercheers. 🙂

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