Posted by FunkyPlaid | Filed under Meta
Every minute has lately been taken with either work or catching up with long lost chums, but there has been a fancy compression of short bursts of time for house-hunting, graphic design for an upcoming art show, and Say Yes Thursdays, from which I will display the rich rewards in the near future.
These online journals are curious forums. I’m lightly fighting a strange obligation to update what’s been happening since the move back to San Francisco; perhaps not for others kind enough to be reading here, but moreso for myself. Moreso when I feel the need to delineate and describe the changes and effects of endless whirlwinds of realization, activity, and discovery. The past year of studenthood has afforded me the time, and my correspondence and written articulation would always start and end my days, supplanting even the most important of academic papers. It felt good, and I was able to be extremely connected with the inner workings of the outer experiences with which I struggled or enjoyed.
And now I find there’s so little time, and I’m very affected by it. I miss those flowing words, mostly because they help me grasp in my claw-like grip a belief of sorts that I actually know what’s going on. When I can craft it into a reminiscence, it means I can taste it and know the quality of its flavors. But even so, I have never been able to completely disclose certain aspects of my life here in public. Not because of any embarrassment or shame, but because I wouldn’t know how to qualify some of the labyrinthine emotional neuroses that have lately been showing their spicy/salty/pungent midriffs. You see, it never goes away, and one can’t hide from history.
And one or more might occasionally read here, and I have no wish to cause discomfort or bitterness or anything else negative. So this journal really isn’t a documentation of my life – it’s simply a few things that I choose to disclose and chat about. Maybe it’s not as much of a vent as I had hoped it would be. I learned a long time ago that if you have nothing nice to say…and I learned this past year that I have NO TIME for bullshit anymore. And since I’ve been back, the history reaches out and reminds me of many important things. Added to what I know now, it’s an interesting and illustrative concoction. And still bloody intoxicating.
So I’ve been sidling up to the bar anyway, and so far, even amidst the temptation, resignation, and transference, I’m getting just what I need from my histories, even though sometimes it causes me great pain. But they can tell that I’m trying, and it gives me strength. Beneath this curious dichotomous conjuration, I know I’m presently handling them pretty much how I’d like to, and that makes me feel good, and makes me feel rich even though I’ve lost out on more than one future with my past. Sometimes the addiction to history is undeniable, and for me, right now I’m just happy to be able to revisit my favorite dates and places.
There’s no need for reparations, or for caustic words. That was many years and childhoods ago. Now it’s time to just be, and to love for Love’s sake, in whatever forms that takes.
and takes me forever
leads me down the road to never
the shoes that take me don’t matter
and I’ve been walking forever
you could wear fancy clothes
you could hope that I wear your rose
but inside you know what’s true
and baby it’s not you
the walk that I’ve been walking forever
to make sure no one finds me ever
I could wear pretty clothes
and I could wear your rose
but inside you know the truth
you know… I’m not like you…”
14 Responses to “Addicted to History.”
November 21st, 2004 at 6:35 pm
Well, I for one like reading your LJ posts. 😀
Write what you need to write here, but I wouldn't worry if I was you. This is, after all, *your* LJ, and you are free to do with it as you will. ;>
November 22nd, 2004 at 5:35 pm
Well, I'm not so worried about what I write, but rather that I don't have the time I used to, that I might do so more often.
If you have a few spare hours in the day, maybe you can post 'em to my LJ account?
November 21st, 2004 at 8:28 pm
You never know where the next turn of the wheel will lead you.
But those of us that have the honour of being in your past and present are likely to stay around for the future ride, just to make sure you are safe and see where you are headed.
Because you, I, we, are all just as intoxicated by it…
November 22nd, 2004 at 5:36 pm
Buckle on in, baby. You've not been on this kind of ride before…
DWIs are bad in any country, I think.
November 21st, 2004 at 10:33 pm
That's just a little cryptic…
Your LJ is among those few that I really enjoy reading. Because you think, and you don't post if you have nothing to say. View it as a recording tool for your personal history – it's amazing what thoughts/ideas you rediscover just by reading back over old entries. I agree it's a shame working life often won't give us the time/energy to update more regularly, but that's just the way it is. And some things are better left unsaid anyway. 😉
November 22nd, 2004 at 5:40 pm
Cryptic, indeed. But also, not really. But it's good to describe analogues because an illustrated story is much more pleasant to read than a book of mathematics theory. So I'll keep it a bit shady and nebulous.
I really appreciate your eyes on these pages, and I'm so glad that you enjoy it. My problem is that I have too much to say, and not enough time to do it. But as you've pointed out, it's the silences in between the outbursts that truly carry the weight and poignancy.
November 22nd, 2004 at 12:28 am
write private posts for you, and public ones for everyone else. just make sure you don't get em confused 🙂
November 22nd, 2004 at 5:45 pm
You mean you haven't been getting the secure posts to my ScepticFriends that consistently rattles on about bald-head licking and toenail fungus-culling?
Yah, you're right about the delineated posts. But when I set up this journal, I promised myself that I would keep it public because I didn't want to exclude anyone or keep anything secret. Anything I have to say should be readable and acceptable to all, or my point for creating it would be lost. I keep an off-line journal for true venting.
So I should shut the fuck up and stop complaining then, right?
November 22nd, 2004 at 3:38 am
Write, write, write.
Have I mentioned how great it is to be able to stop by the store after work and have a cup of tea with you and just Talk? No? Well, I am now. 🙂
(Sorry, wonderful Scotland peeps … I know you miss him lots. But I did too!)
Of course I'll be one of the more vociferous proponents of Write First, Edit Later. That little censoring imp we each have wonkering about our shoulders, poring over the page with a red-inked claw, can stifle so much. Too much. Rehashing or even mentioning drama publicly is best avoided, as I have learned from intimate experience, so I understand your wish not to delve into that miasma. ("I was waiting for you to delve. 'When is he going to start delving?' I asked myself." Sorry, couldn't resist.)
My suggestion is this: download MacJournal and keep your complete (or is that compleat?) history for yourself, throwing us the remarkable bones from which you've already sucked the marrow of experience.
And more tea!
November 22nd, 2004 at 5:57 pm
Re: Write, write, write.
Hiya, Miss History Pt. II.
You haven't mentioned it, but it really IS great to have you right up the way, being enveloped by falling Dominican leaves. And in future bouts of tea and chats, we'll delineate a cunning plan to capture and torture the Editing Imps maliciously hovering over our shoulders. Perhaps we can cram hot paper clips up their buttocks or something equally as sinister…
There'll be no delving for me, as you've witnessed, despite my feeling of need for it in the past. It's not like it would have helped, so I found other ways to deal with it. And you're right – an offline journal is a good idea…boy, I bet you'd like to get your hands on mine!
And since we're not editing, I'll tell you how sorely missed you are from these posts, and just how my heart speeds up when I read your words, because mine are simply a pale shadow of a haunting of your own. Truly I am in awe of your ability and expression, lexicon and syntax. I just looove a good miasma now and again.
*cracks your bones open and starts sucking*
November 22nd, 2004 at 8:57 am
Strangely enough, I was in Edinburgh this afternoon before I flew home this evening. As I walked across the bridge watching the darkening sky, I thought of you and how much you would have enjoyed photographing the city today because the light was lovely. And then I wondered how you were getting on back home and now here you are. What strange and fragile little webs of thought and coincidence link us all together…
November 22nd, 2004 at 6:01 pm
I'm really touched that you would think of me under such conditions, and I thank you for it.
So far, all is getting on here with flying colors. Home is now extended across the world, and I'll be relying on folk like yourself to keep me in touch with lovely ol' Edina and her environs. And, of course, I hope that all is well with you and yours.
There will me much more, and very soon.
November 22nd, 2004 at 9:20 pm
I know you are looking for flats currently , so can you send me your shop/work address so that we can send you a crimbo card….
all the best
you can email the address to:
November 23rd, 2004 at 7:31 pm
Re: posta address
Oh me too. Tell us where you are going to be at xmas.