Water and Poop.

It was a dark and stormy night.

At least it was last Wednesday, when I inexplicably found myself once again rolling around with rude, briny creatures and their cornucopia of excrement. It’s what I do for fun, and strangely, for relaxation. You know this about me, yet still you read on.

In the tumultuous holiday punch of work and unpacking, what seems like a further chore is actually regarded as a sparkling respite, notwithstanding the cold, pelting precipitation and affrontive olfactory strike. If you can stand the grinding innards of a thousand lifeless herring; the incessant, piercing cry of a teeming cadre of selfish monkey-chickens; and nearly losing a multitude of precious digits to snapping, whiskered maws, then I have a job for you, as well. No, it doesn’t pay – but the dividends are far more rewarding.




The half-hour commute to The Marine Mammal Center is always pleasant, especially as a decompression after a long day of feeding papered crack to gamers and being told by chess masters that our display boards are set up the wrong way. Yes, they should all be turned 90º to the right. Thank you. Now fuck off.

Slick causeways and massive cages dripping with condensation mark entry to the battleground. This is the place where we labor the night away, crawling along the edge of the United States map. Up in the Marin Headlands, perched on a pre-war-era Nike missile base, the Wednesday Night Crew silently slinks into position and our weekly tasks are confronted with great aplomb and almost no regard for bodily harm. It’s a rewarding kind of feeling, and we haven’t yet lost a team member to the vicious beasts.


The spring pupping season will bring eight-to-twelve-hour shifts, but for now, even the animals are getting their gifts ready for a nice holiday exchange, and thankfully, our nights are brief and lively, with plenty of time for socializing and good eats. But we strongly advocate a thorough washing of the hands before any activity remotely related to mastication.


Then the boys get their turn. Often it’s a lovely mix of herring, succulently placed into one of many delicious, gourmet recipes. They don’t seem to mind, as many have quite advanced palates. A couple would clearly prefer a human finger or two added to the mix, for taste. We attempt to thwart that urge, usually with success.



And then, upon completion of the administering of medication, feeding, and spraying away precariously-looming, gargantuan mountains of poop, we wind our way back to civilization and the sparkling lights of the city, elephant seals and sea lions forgotten amidst the frenetic traffic flow and hipster parades trailing from pub to bar to club.

And back home at Le Chateau, things are slowly taking shape. While gingerly picking my steps between boxes of books and candles and clothing, more than once spearing my toe on a rogue Xacto blade, some progress has indeed been made, and I’m waking up these days to the warm, flushed face of my favorite girl in the world.


The original, by Adolphe-William Bouguereau (the ostracized and sundered Pre-Raphaelite), is permanently on display just across the park from us, now, and I simply can’t wait to visit her once again. More pictures of the new digs as it come along, and that’s a promise.


Finally, I have a confession to make. This week at the Mammal Center, there was a Toys for Tots bin. In that bin was a hat, and I’ll be damned if the thing wasn’t custom made for me. So I took it, and now the world is sure to know that I am a sad, sick, ass. I feel abysmal even as I type this, but there is NO WAY I’m going to let little Mombasu from Madagascar wear this thing, while my nappy little head is all cold from the SF fog. Tell him I said so, and that the rice is in the mail. Yes, I’ll see you all in hell.

And besides, we just donated $300 worth of games to Make-a-Wish, so it’s not like there weren’t any reparations. Don’t hate me, but instead gaze upon the SHIT:

It’s 1992 all over again!

18 Responses to “Water and Poop.”

  1. agntprovocateur Says:
    December 12th, 2004 at 5:07 am

    selfish monkey-chickens
    i cannot help but smile at the similariies between working a the mammal center and having a baby.
    see you this evening! and please don't wear that hat! =P

  2. FunkyPlaid Says:
    December 12th, 2004 at 5:38 am

    Re: selfish monkey-chickens
    WTF do you mean DON'T wear the hat?
    I LOVE this hat!
    *looks at you sternly, with the fucking hat on*

  3. agntprovocateur Says:
    December 12th, 2004 at 5:41 am

    Re: selfish monkey-chickens
    then when i see you, i shall wrestle it from you and make you try and get it back.
    nyah nyah!

  4. kimmaline Says:
    December 12th, 2004 at 11:00 am

    I like the hat…and as your friend I officially absolve you of any guilt about stealing it from Toys for Tots. I donate enough crap to them every year; since I'm your friend, that balances out your dastardly deed.

  5. FunkyPlaid Says:
    December 14th, 2004 at 3:55 am

    This, I appreciate greatly.
    Thanks for gettin' my back, baby.

  6. kimmaline Says:
    December 14th, 2004 at 5:22 am

    Oh! For you…anytime.

  7. parnasus Says:
    December 12th, 2004 at 1:59 pm

    Naughty or nice…
    Making list, checking twice, Hrmmm, how much coal do you get for thieving hats fot Tots?
    Can I buy it by the pound ;p
    You are very naughty, but ever so nice too, there's probably some balance here, so perhaps no on the coal.
    It is a nifty hat.

  8. FunkyPlaid Says:
    December 14th, 2004 at 3:56 am

    Re: Naughty or nice…
    Hey, I always strive for balance!
    *stumbles and falls to his death*

  9. angledge Says:
    December 13th, 2004 at 2:00 am

    Connections my brain makes
    ( Release the Sea Lions of War! )
    <a href = "http://www.livejournal.com/community/m15m/1487.html&quot; rel="nofollow">Release the flaming balls of twine!!

  10. FunkyPlaid Says:
    December 14th, 2004 at 3:57 am

    Re: Connections my brain makes
    Oh, man. That is STILL funny as hell.

  11. scotis_man Says:
    December 13th, 2004 at 2:41 am

    So … just how distant (or not) are your Selky ancestors?

  12. FunkyPlaid Says:
    December 14th, 2004 at 3:58 am

    I'm sure my ancestors appreciate the fact that I stick rubber tubes down their throats.
    And yes, sometimes I do pretend.

  13. dr_beep Says:
    December 13th, 2004 at 3:45 am

    "and being told by chess masters that our display boards are set up the wrong way. Yes, they should all be turned 90º to the right. Thank you. Now fuck off."
    You would think at some point we would bother to learn that and thus avoid the annoyance… but no.

  14. FunkyPlaid Says:
    December 14th, 2004 at 4:00 am

    You would think, but we're stubborn bastards.
    And I like looking blankly at them and just blinking a couple of times.
    Discomfort…my only friend.

  15. Anonymous Says:
    December 13th, 2004 at 4:18 am

    nice hat,

  16. FunkyPlaid Says:
    December 14th, 2004 at 4:15 am

    Re: nice hat,
    Yeah, whatever.
    I know you secretly covet it.

  17. thistlelurid Says:
    December 13th, 2004 at 6:44 am

    The compound looks so very X-files…… nice close up of
    the poop-bristol brushes btw….yikes………..
    Ive met your girl in person before…the legion is an excellent
    way to spend a day…….good vibe in that place…..
    now……about the bad karma hat on yer head…………….
    ::prayin for yer soul::

  18. FunkyPlaid Says:
    December 14th, 2004 at 4:16 am

    Just for that comment, I'll not let you wear it.
    Yeah, go cry that river of purple, velvet tears.

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