A Reason to Celebrate.

Very few retail workers survive the holiday shopping season. I, myself, have lost several close friends to vicious herds of stampeding consumers, fervently resolved to snatch up that last-minute gift that will complete their self-delineated, feel-good-about-my-charity persona. It’s often a bloody affair, and I have nothing but sympathy for my brave and bold chums who hone their social skills throughout the year for the glory of the Big Fucking Christmas Payoff. If they survive, there’s never a cause celebre that can quite measure up to that buzzing high of holiday accomplishment. They look Joe and Mary Six-Pack in the face and hold tightly to the counter as the waves descend upon them, white-knuckled and heart palpitating with fear. There’s a place in the Legion of Honour for these people.

It’s the first thing I’ll do when I rule the world, right after clipping the testicles off gangsta rappers from the suburbs of most major metropolitan cities.

So I’m a man with a master’s degree, and still I chose to come back to retail management. I’m one of those winners. My name shall one day be in lights next to the major world-movers of our age, the likes of John Lennon, Ben Stiller, Alexander the Great…Rodney Dangerfield. But damn, I love the job, and damn, It’s good to be back there again. And now that Santa has fucked off back to the Pole, things can return to some semblance of normality; we can make forward progress in the store instead of just trying to keep up with the season. It’s going to be a good year.

Out with the old, however fond. matt_ledgerwood, who is angledge’s much-celebrated cousin from England, is making the journey over the Drink to add his input as my assistant manager. Sounds like a match made in heaven, because we got on rather well when we met in Edinburgh. At least this time, we’re both alcoholics.

And how much more mundane could I be except to say that le chateau is coming along beautifully. We’re plugging the leaks as the torrential rain batters SF, and yes, I clearly have no idea what torrential really means because I’m not hanging out near the Indian Ocean. I could be sad, or angry, or flabbergasted…and while I’m all of these things, it once again makes me appreciate the fortune and delight that we have over here. Let’s hope it lasts, and that the world doesn’t ignore this. That America doesn’t ignore this, and that we send some help. The Scots can’t do everything on their own.

Just ahead: a visit from PooP, a visit from thistlelurid, New Year’s epiphanies, and drunken soirées high above the San Francisco skyline.

Happy holidays, you bastards. Don’t spend it all in one place. Remember the WORKERS.

22 Responses to “A Reason to Celebrate.”

  1. marasca Says:
    December 29th, 2004 at 1:11 pm

    Funny how Ang's eternal plan to get people to move near her is working far better on the Brits than on people who already live in the US.
    Congrats on hiring Matt. 🙂

  2. FunkyPlaid Says:
    December 30th, 2004 at 10:01 am

    Thanks, I think he'll work out rather well.
    Oh, you're on the 'come join us' list. Just you wait. She hasn't even tried yet.
    🙂

  3. marasca Says:
    December 30th, 2004 at 10:32 am

    I've wanted to move out there for ages, really. Perhaps after I'm done with my stint living abroad (though I have to admit that right now California seems much more inviting than Asia).

  4. fanboyextream Says:
    January 3rd, 2005 at 3:49 am

    Come join us, the cult of angledge must grow in folowers should the reveloution begin.

  5. angledge Says:
    January 18th, 2005 at 1:50 pm

    *looks as beguiling as possible* Join us, it's bliiiisss ….

  6. kimmaline Says:
    December 29th, 2004 at 1:16 pm

    D, you aren't an alcoholic. Alcoholics go to meetings. You're a drunk.

  7. FunkyPlaid Says:
    December 30th, 2004 at 10:02 am

    Oh, yessh. Thannsk.
    *hic*

  8. avalokita Says:
    December 29th, 2004 at 2:53 pm

    You are my favorite writer.

  9. FunkyPlaid Says:
    December 30th, 2004 at 10:02 am

    And you are my most loyal reader.
    Xxo.

  10. dougygyro Says:
    December 29th, 2004 at 3:18 pm

    Thank you for so eloquently stating all of our shared angst while dealing with those that patronize us in every sense of the word.

  11. FunkyPlaid Says:
    December 30th, 2004 at 10:06 am

    We're going to start a club. It'll be called The Darren and Dougy Retail Angst Drink Yourself to Death on Whisky Club.
    Or, DDRADYDWC for short.
    I think I made that sound the other night, after a 12-year malt bender.

  12. dougygyro Says:
    December 30th, 2004 at 2:39 pm

    Count me in!
    When are we going to get together?

  13. thistlelurid Says:
    December 29th, 2004 at 8:21 pm

    so glad to be able to get away…..after getting away! :*D
    Kam Zaman…..hooka-ville ….lentil-coma here we come!

  14. FunkyPlaid Says:
    December 30th, 2004 at 10:07 am

    Oh, we'll smoke-a-da-hookah, baby. And lick the tattooed grapes on the dancer's belly.

  15. thistlelurid Says:
    December 30th, 2004 at 3:18 pm

    well….I know thats what I'LL be doing….you'll have to go find yer OWN belly dancer! :*P

  16. friendsofgumby Says:
    December 30th, 2004 at 1:29 pm

    you're right, the scots can't do it on their own
    nice

  17. FunkyPlaid Says:
    January 8th, 2005 at 2:38 am

    What is it up to now, £4 million of aid?

  18. friendsofgumby Says:
    January 9th, 2005 at 3:57 pm

    yes, well actually i think it is a little bit more, which is a hell of a lot of money, but not nearly enough >.<</p>

  19. tigerlilymoon Says:
    January 7th, 2005 at 1:12 pm

    Apropos of nothing, your journal just popped up during my random searching of ye ole LiveJournal and anti-Burning Man is one of the funniest interests ever.

  20. FunkyPlaid Says:
    January 8th, 2005 at 2:43 am

    Have we ever needed a reason to be apropos?
    Let's be propos together, instead, and join hands in celebrating the ability of people to live every fucking day like art, instead of waiting around for a single week out of the year to sequester themselves away from society with the other elitist kool kids and pretend that their ideas are original, and that they're actually marching to the staccato beat of their own corporate, industrial EBM outfit.
    Thanks for saying so. I find it funny…and very, very sad.

  21. tigerlilymoon Says:
    January 8th, 2005 at 5:38 am

    I think mayhaps it's the whole burning the man that is the funniest bit for me. Hours could be spent expounding upon the style of 'hooking up' at such an event as well. It impresses me as a 21st century ren faire.

  22. FunkyPlaid Says:
    January 8th, 2005 at 10:13 am

    *doffs his feathered cap*
    Aye, milady…now go forth and bring me some frothy brew – I tire of this 'conversation' thing.
    *shoots self in head*
    🙂

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