A Better Girl than Yours.

I’ve spent the past week or so in bed with Jenna Jameson.

The fact that this good block of time spent was simply me – and my cat – curled up and flipping pages through her new autobiography, How to Make Love like a Porn Star: A Cautionary Tale, should be no less stimulating or embarrassing in its credulity. While sparing my dear friends a point-by-point literary review of Ms. Jameson’s debut into the world of publishing, I think a few notes would be appreciated here, if only to convince the reader to either scramble for a signed copy at the next Vivid exposé, or to attempt to light entire holding warehouses on fire in order to stem the tide of this encroaching storm. It’s your choice; I’m just the reviewer.


Contrary to what Jenna would have you believe from the title, the book does not offer hints or tips on how to make love like a porn star. While greatly disappointing to me, I was still able to glean some useful bits of information from her life story. I will enumerate them below for convenience. Feel free to skip around; the numerical order is not directly related to the importance of the point offered.

1) Jenna Jameson is your average, run-of-the-mill girl who has had a typical, run-of-the-mill porn star life. It was an okay childhood until something terrible happened (the loss of her mother), sexual abuse at a young age, a schemey father and brother, tattoo-artist first boyfriend, DRUGS, all of which contributed to a dark horse lifestyle of stripping and, then, soon after, hardcore pornography. Nothing remarkable here, except her self-proclaimed drive and desire to be something special – to make a mark. That’s her motivation, kids. Think she has succeeded? I, for one, certainly have.

2) Don’t get involved with methamphetamines. It makes you do crazy things. Like having sex with aging 1980s rock stars, or putting things in your rectum that you shouldn’t.

3) Jenna has been in some bad relationships. Most of these were with other people – men and women – from the porn industry. This is a given because, according to our heroine, getting into the business spoils you for others who don’t understand what it’s like to have sex for a living.

This is news to me.

4) Don’t get involved with methamphetamines. It makes you do crazy things. Like come up with excuses why your father is really a good person when he likes to boast about how many Gooks he killed in Vietnam.

5) Have I mentioned that Jenna Jameson is really your average, typical story of a good girl gone bad – who then turns good again because she finally makes a right decision to get married end her career happily? Oops! I just spoiled the ending! So sorry!

For five hundred pages, I did my best to connect with this overly self-aggrandizing starlet of the sundered screen. I sympathize with her sadness from losing her mother. I can access her underdeveloped sense of self from constantly moving around the country without settling. I am pleased that she found a niche where she can be the very best at something. Why is this book necessary? Because it proves to Jenna Jameson that she accomplished her goal in life – she’s made a mark. She’s probably made many marks, on many bedsheets throughout America – directly or indirectly. I can prove it.

Annoying Jenna Fact #1: Ms. Jameson, throughout her fascinating yarn, has the unfortunate habit of referring to her female anatomy as her ‘ding-ding’. I challenge someone to explain to me why she thinks it is necessary to extenuate the coarseness of her language – this, from a girl who can take it in every hole at the same time. There’s no need to be coy, Jenna. We can handle it.

Weird Jenna Fact #1: While the book (from Regan, an imprint of Harper/Collins) is beautifully crafted, with pictures, comic strips, and gorgeous design throughout, there is something not quite right about juxtaposing pictures of a four year-old baby Jenna with shots of her getting her ass slapped by a pair of tattooed biker guys. It just doesn’t lend itself well to the overall story, is all. And also, it makes me feel icky inside.

Coincidental Side Fact Not-Quite-Related to Jenna #1: Nikki Tyler, one of Jenna’s girlfriends, confidants, and fellow porn stars, actually went to my high school in northern California. I was born a couple of years too late – she could have been mine!

So THIS is Why She’s So Messed Up Fact #1: Interspersed throughout her narrative and actual childhood journal entries are a few chapters done, interview-style, with her father and brother. The only difference between her sibling and herself is that he never became a porn star, and thank goodness. Meanwhile, her father, the shady bastard, keeps responding to questions and memories with glorious tales about his time in the police force, busting gangsters and kicking people’s asses. In between these are desperate affirmations of pleading to remember what a good father he was during a lifetime of difficult circumstance. Good job, dad…you’ve raised someone almost as degenerate as yourself.

Degrading Moment of Readership #1: I stumbled upon three words within the book that Ms. Jameson used, for which I had to look up the meanings. I was seriously depressed for an evening until I realized, with total glee, that she had a ghost-writer for the project, one Mr. Neil Strauss. I couldn’t live with myself knowing that her lexicon was more founded than my own. That, or I’d have started to think about hitting the porn industry, myself.

Standout Moment of the Book: After becoming a star, she was fortunate enough to meet Marilyn Manson at Howard Stern’s ‘Private Parts’ premiere in New York City. According to Jenna, they spent the whole evening together, Manson at her side, until the evening, when all hell broke loose. After huge amounts of pills and popcorn, Jenna describes in exacting detail the sexual encounter with this stark raving madman. It warms the heart and chills the soul. And the best part is that in Manson’s own book, (also assisted by Neil Strauss), he swears up and down that she was all over him, but that he never capitulated. Who is to be believed – the Lord of Rock or the Lady of Cock? Only Mr. Strauss knows for sure.

Quotable Quotes: “I had a preconceived notion that the sex would be crazy, but he was so tender and loving. He washed me from head to toe, working on my feet for a good five minutes. My tan lines seemed like such a novelty for him. Then he went down on me for nearly an hour. It took me that much time alone to even assimilate the image of the naked God of Fuck eating me out, his white butt in the air.”


You can’t make this stuff up, folks.

So I’ve learned some things from Jenna Jameson. I’ve learned that I really don’t care how or where she grew up, or the difficulties she’s faced in her lifetime. I’ve learned that her boobs are not, in fact, real. I’ve learned that Tommy Lee really *is* that well-endowed. And, first and foremost, I’ve learned not to get involved with methamphetamines. It makes you do crazy things, like attempt to write an interesting story about a porn star’s meteoric rise to fame and fortune. Oh, and I’ve learned that I have more respect for Marilyn Manson than ever before. He likes to cuddle.

If you want to read a fascinating, artistic scrutiny of the porn industry written from an emotional, humanistic viewpoint, check out Ian Gittler’s Pornstar. If you want to see gratuitous shots of Jenna Jameson’s cleavage and the hit-list of Hollywood stars she’s shagged, go ahead and pick up her book.

When I was finished reading, I went and popped in one of her movies. Now *that’s* entertainment. It made the time spent on the book totally worth it. Now I know the inside story – and what a glorious inside it is.

43 Responses to “A Better Girl than Yours.”

  1. sleepycinderell Says:
    February 15th, 2005 at 5:50 pm

    Glad to hear you're not getting bored being back across the Atlantic : )

  2. FunkyPlaid Says:
    February 15th, 2005 at 5:59 pm

    Wait, you mean you have porn over in Scotland, too?
    I'll be right over! Should have never left!

  3. sleepycinderell Says:
    February 15th, 2005 at 6:12 pm

    Kilts have such easy access..
    Downside to Scottish porn is the effect the cold weather has on everyone and all the bits : )

  4. kimmaline Says:
    February 15th, 2005 at 5:57 pm

    That was beautiful, D. Truly beautiful.
    I haven't read the book, but I did watch a documentary on her a few months ago. It was long, and intensive, and I walked away COMPLETELY unsurprised at the amount of sexual abuse she'd suffered in her life. It's sad, but not unexpected.
    Please tell me that there was no question in your mind that her tits were fake. Ray Charles could tell that from across a county. I'm assuming you were joking, but I feel it necessary to clarify on this particular point.

  5. FunkyPlaid Says:
    February 15th, 2005 at 6:01 pm

    Hey – according to Jenna, herself, they were so *naturally* big that guys would stare from blocks away. In order to get movie box covers, however, they had to be even bigger.
    Bigger, I say! Bigger!
    Real? Fake? Tastes Great? Less Filling?
    Who cares! As long as they provide the needed respite…

  6. kimmaline Says:
    February 15th, 2005 at 6:12 pm

    I think that's utter shit. I saw a picture of her (the aforementioned documentary) when she was about 16 or 17…and she was in a string bikini. She was mebbe a C.

  7. kid_lit_fan Says:
    February 21st, 2005 at 2:43 am

    *Raises hand*
    Hi, C-cup, here. Guys stared. Now that I've gained weight, they're not as large in proportion. I believe Jenna Jameson is a small woman, so yeah, guys would stare at C-cups, especially on a teenager. Guys are icky like that. (Now I wish I still had the cleavage icon)
    (Hi, <lj user = funkyplaid>, I friended you, based on the art, schhmart comment, and that we did St Brigid's together.)

  8. kimmaline Says:
    February 21st, 2005 at 3:08 am

    My point was that a C is not so insanely big that men stare from blocks away. Sure, men stare…that is the nature of the beasts. But no one really looks at a C cup and goes, "damn…those are HUGE" which is very much what I took away from what he quoted.
    Also, you are very much on the full side of C. (and, if your boobs are the same size as they were before you gained weight, you weren't really a C. The cup is a percentage larger than your chest measurement. My 34D's…I can't even get the CUPS on, even without fastening them. My chest measurement has expanded, but so has my actual cup size) And, like I said…she was MEBBE a C. Full B, small C….if she was a 32C…her actual breasts would be the same size as a 36B.
    I KNEW you would want the cleavage icon! Mwahhahahaha!!!

  9. kid_lit_fan Says:
    February 21st, 2005 at 11:17 pm

    C is not so insanely big that men stare from blocks away
    You'd think so, but I had total strangers coming up to me (not frequently, but once a year or so) and saying something charming like "Damn, those are big titties."
    I suppose they're bigger now, but not in proportion–I've gained more waist than boob. It's likely because I'm more often with a kid, and older enough not to appeal to the kind of icky mid-20's guys that hit on girls younger than they are, but no-one says "Damn, those…"

  10. FunkyPlaid Says:
    February 21st, 2005 at 11:49 pm

    I feel that, in instigating this titillating thread of conversation, my work here is done.
    Carry on!

  11. flcodemonkey Says:
    February 22nd, 2005 at 8:25 pm

    I beg to differ on the real/fake angle. The feel is all WRONG. Personal preference, I guess.
    BTW, have friended you – see a lot of you in <lj user="kimmaline">'s LJ.

  12. FunkyPlaid Says:
    February 22nd, 2005 at 11:18 pm

    Hey man – you can have JUST the real ones, then. Don't you dare touch the others. Them's all mine.
    Good to meet you; you're friended back.

  13. agntprovocateur Says:
    February 15th, 2005 at 6:00 pm

    you should have had a slumber party. we could have all read excerpts from the book to each other. then watched the movie and cuddled marilyn mason style.
    sheesh. you gotta think of us too sometimes.

  14. FunkyPlaid Says:
    February 15th, 2005 at 6:02 pm

    Hey – don't count it out yet! I still have the book…

  15. agntprovocateur Says:
    February 15th, 2005 at 8:26 pm

    looks like we've got a party to plan!

  16. kimmaline Says:
    February 15th, 2005 at 6:16 pm

    I definitely second that.

  17. effrontery Says:
    February 15th, 2005 at 8:16 pm

    I adore Jenna Jameson. I'll spare my angsty rant about whether I, as a card carrying feminist, should be watching, nay, enjoying porn…and just say I think she's incredibly hot, especially in her earlier movies–and your review actually just made me want to read the book more!

  18. FunkyPlaid Says:
    February 15th, 2005 at 11:41 pm

    Of course you should be both watching and enjoying porn. And I'm glad I could help.

  19. thistlelurid Says:
    February 15th, 2005 at 9:29 pm

    All her many tips can be easily condensed into two…
    eye contact.

    oh my.
    If you decide to into porn my friend….you'd be rubbing up
    against a new brushed metal tower in no time…actually……..
    hmmmmm….there may be a market for that sort of porn!!!!

  20. FunkyPlaid Says:
    February 15th, 2005 at 11:42 pm

    Those are perhaps the two most intelligent things she's pointed out throughout the entirety of the book.
    Read it, learn it, live it.

  21. kid_lit_fan Says:
    February 23rd, 2005 at 12:18 am

    I have used the "spit" tip–actually, it's a good supplement to water-based lube when it's getting tacky (I mean tacky as in "sticky" not "eww, how TACKY!") But I hatehatehate the modern porn convention of SPITTING at people's gentles and butt-OX (as the "don't touch the stripper" announcement once said when I was dragged to an "all-male" club). It just looks so RUDE!
    There are subtle, tasteful ways to, well, basically drool into your hand and transfer it the area that needs rehydrating. But going "HOCK-PTOOEY" at your lusted one is just NYAAAASTY!
    As for eye contact–DUH!

  22. FunkyPlaid Says:
    February 23rd, 2005 at 1:25 am

    Just for the record, I did not initiate this conversation.
    Honest. I was just hanging out, whistling innocently.

  23. zotz Says:
    February 16th, 2005 at 3:08 am

    It's a corrosive business. A friend of Fiona's is in films in LA (production side, rather than a performer) and she was quite definite when I met her that it damages the performers as people. I don't have a problem with nudity or watching people shagging, but I wouldn't want to help pay for that business to continue as an industry in its current form.

  24. FunkyPlaid Says:
    February 17th, 2005 at 12:38 am

    I imagine that our dear Jenna was pretty damaged to begin with, and this a is pretty common constant; it perpetuates an already-seedy business with predisposed seedy people to be even moreso seedy. Think of it as a kind of seed convention.
    It ain't the plants that grow, however.

  25. diotina Says:
    February 16th, 2005 at 3:34 am

    I, for one, am not at all suprised at Manson's cuddling side. He's quite a teddy bear, really, from what I have gleaned from interviews et al.

  26. FunkyPlaid Says:
    February 17th, 2005 at 12:38 am

    It's like the death grip of teddy bear-hood, though. If Satan was a teddy bear, that is.

  27. evils Says:
    February 16th, 2005 at 6:53 am

    Whole lot of slurping going on!
    Damn you! My rampant curiosity has got the better of me and now I want … nay *need* to buy it! I'll be straight to Ottakar's after work and then perhaps to Leather and Lace … 😉

  28. FunkyPlaid Says:
    February 17th, 2005 at 12:39 am

    Re: Whole lot of slurping going on!

  29. alison_ella Says:
    February 16th, 2005 at 7:40 am

    I agree with Ms Evils curiosity has definitely got the better of me too, I also now have a new found respect for Manson, anyone who likes hugs can't be all bad, after all I love them.

  30. FunkyPlaid Says:
    February 17th, 2005 at 12:41 am

    An <lj user="evils"> and Marilyn Manson sandwich, you say?
    Does it come with pickles?

  31. evils Says:
    February 17th, 2005 at 6:50 am

    No pickles, but heavy on the mayo. :-p

  32. avalokita Says:
    February 16th, 2005 at 7:46 am

    While I was sick on the couch, I watched her "E True Holly Story". It was kind of interesting. But they had to create a climax because there wasn't one to tell really.

  33. FunkyPlaid Says:
    February 17th, 2005 at 12:42 am

    I'd say that 'creating a climax' is a common theme when it comes to Ms. Jameson's work.

  34. avalokita Says:
    February 19th, 2005 at 7:46 am

    Hahaha nice.
    You know that icon is a tease. I gotta get my skinny anorexic man to get beefy shoulders like that *drooool*.
    Sorry, I'm sexually deprived.

  35. FunkyPlaid Says:
    February 19th, 2005 at 10:11 am

    Hehe. I am rather fond of the meaty, beefy head lolling about that very same set of of shoulders.
    Sometimes it even looks like a side of beef. You like beef, right?
    Thanks for the kind compliment. 🙂

  36. mxhaunted Says:
    February 16th, 2005 at 8:52 am

    I'd comment… but as Wilber Cob said "the walls have teeth". I’m getting paranoid over Googles searches.

  37. FunkyPlaid Says:
    February 17th, 2005 at 12:42 am

    They're already watching you, Mat. Better start getting happy and hopeful!

  38. no_mans_land Says:
    February 16th, 2005 at 8:50 pm

    <small>very articulate.. couldn't have put it better myself. it was a fun read. but that's it.
    love the marilyn pic. awww.</small>

  39. FunkyPlaid Says:
    February 17th, 2005 at 12:44 am

    I'm glad you've amassed the same pile of seething sarcasm from it as I.
    And I'm tickled that you're the only other person here who has read it.
    Kindred spirits, I say. Sickly kindred. And dirty. Have I mentioned dirty?

  40. ubernacht Says:
    February 17th, 2005 at 11:59 am

    Off topic…but check this conversation out…A Random LJ encounter with a Friend of Darren..
    ..in an Italian community…lol.
    You are the finest diplomat we could have hoped for.

  41. FunkyPlaid Says:
    February 17th, 2005 at 10:59 pm

    Alex, this is really amazingly sweet of you guys. I'm so pleased that you've met. Alessia is truly a passionate, lovely girl. We had some excellent times together over in Edinburgh, and I think you two would get on famously.
    Thank you very much for your kind words. Sometimes it amazes me how interconnected we all really are.

  42. frootbetty Says:
    March 2nd, 2005 at 3:27 pm

    Amusingly enough our dawgs females bits have been dubded her "ding-ding" as our male dawgs (semi-nonexistant) parts are known as his "bling bling".
    Hope you don't mind me adding you…I found you through agntprovocateurs lj.

  43. FunkyPlaid Says:
    March 2nd, 2005 at 8:28 pm

    I think that's a spectacularly cute name for canine genitalia. But I like my porn stars to be a bit edgy, not 3rd grade quaint. You understand, I'm sure.
    Pleasure to meet you; I've added you back!

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