When it comes down, we know we’re alone
you could scream and nobody would hear.
Today my face in the glass is a stranger’s
furrowed with the lines of fear.
All the all the little deaths we died, all the little truths denied –
I always thought that it was worth something…
All the little rays of hope, always coming back when we needed them most;
I always thought that it was worth something…

Once we went back to the house we were born in,
the glass was smashed and there were boards on the doors.
And it seemed so right that the past was all laid to waste
and our trail covered up and lost.
All the little deaths we died, all the little truths denied –
I always thought that it was worth something…
And all the battles leave their scars
and the gods of Fate still laughing at us;
I always thought that it was worth what it cost…

And all the battles leave their scars
and the gods of Fate still laughing at us;
I always thought that it was worth something…
Let everyone else decide who’s right – I don’t care any more tonight,
I only know that it is worth something.


There’s something to be said about those who hold on to their ideas and ideals through the menagerie of changing impulses and contexts that life brings to bear. Whether through routine, opinion, doctrine, or habit, human beings are delightfully fond of their trusty, tried and true methods of looking at and dealing with the world, other people, and themselves. I am, and have been, the most earnest retainer of things long past their prime – and sometimes, their substance. It’s closest to a feeling of relief that pervades when the reflection staring back at me is content with the fact that it’s no longer holding on to ghosts of the past in particular areas of my consciousness. We spend our years building a persona or many of them, and so much is put into this masterwork of emotion, thought, and worth that’s it’s often all we can do to stop from shaking should we find that parts of ourselves are no longer needed. But that’s the nature of life, filled with flux and mutability. To be good at this thing, we have to be clay – and able to mold it at the same time.

We grow up slinging the notions of ‘forever’ and ‘always’ like sharpened darts of righteousness, and then maturity hits with deftly-wrapped knuckles to remove any delusions of thinking we can even conceive of these terms of perpetuity. Many of the life-long promises we thought we could make to ourselves and others become rendered archaic and irrelevant, as if the words that created them were spoken on the wind so many years ago. But these absolutes, conjured in a maelstrom of uncertainty, give us something necessary for which to strive. We may look back on those crumbling dogmas and lonely vows only to see regret at their contextual irrelevance, but it doesn’t mean that it wasn’t the right thing to do at the time. Really, it only affirms that the most important time is right now, right this second, as we live and breathe.

We, of course, is me.


So the deed is done and the locals have had some time to acclimate to the drastic change. But really, the change is more evident within and it sits calmly upon my demeanor. I had dreamed up so many concerns, regrets, fears, and trepidations – all easily identifiable now as obstacles to letting go. I was sure I’d miss so many things about all those years wrapped up in what amounts to really nothing more than a dead part of me – both figuratively and literally. Now I can’t ever even conceive of how I kept those things for so long.

This allows me to open up my interests to sartorial delights hitherto unconsidered due to the sheer magnitude of me noggin. I’ve long thought that the culture of fine hats seems to be lost to the four winds (barring the brief, affected trend of the swing dancing craze here in San Francisco near the turn of the millennium), and my new, streamlined profile allows me to properly don and doff with the best of them. Every town should have a good milliner, a destination for fine haberdashery and doorways big enough to accommodate both stylish lids and swelling egos upon egress. Me, I immediately picked up a brace of dastardly brims that make me feel like a million bucks. And I don’t even have to backcomb the bastards, should I tire of their mussy countenance after years of good use.

Jack2 Jack1 Madison1

None of this would have been possible without my dear friend, the Mighty Moniz, one of my oldest and best confidantes in the San Francisco environs, who has nothing but good hopes and caring and love for everyone around her. Her skill with the scissors is legendary in some circles, and it was she who spelunked into the tangled forest of turbulent tresses to salvage the new man that stands before you…sitting, actually. With tea and ancient newspaper strewn about the desk, half-cocked smile and loving the feeling of the breeze on the back of his neck.


37 Responses to “Transformations.”

  1. agntprovocateur Says:
    August 6th, 2005 at 9:20 pm

    you look fantastic!

  2. thistlelurid Says:
    August 6th, 2005 at 11:55 pm

    HATS!!!!! Oh I see how it is….your new aerodynamics
    has you believing you can encroach on my title of "she who
    harbors a ridiculous amount of hats"
    …she against he….
    …ITS SOOO ON….the hat war begins! <small>(you need
    some flowers glued gunned to that thing, s'all Im sayin)</small>
    Hubba Hubba! 😛
    <small>(oh my gosh…my bank account is shuttering, great shop!)</small>

  3. FunkyPlaid Says:
    August 8th, 2005 at 11:52 pm

    It's not the hat that matters but the SIZE of the hat? So what you're saying is, once again, that you're a size queen?
    She who harbors a ridiculous amount of not just hats but lots of other sundries, as well…

  4. thistlelurid Says:
    August 9th, 2005 at 10:48 am

    once again? pppfffffttt….

  5. pisica Says:
    August 7th, 2005 at 2:14 am

    Hats are cool.

  6. fraulein_doktor Says:
    August 7th, 2005 at 2:23 am

    you look great 🙂

  7. kimmaline Says:
    August 7th, 2005 at 3:26 am

    The ways that you are beautiful to me are many.

  8. FunkyPlaid Says:
    August 8th, 2005 at 11:34 pm

    I can hardly think of finer praise, and I thank you for it.

  9. rachel_eurydice Says:
    August 7th, 2005 at 8:27 am

    Looks great!
    Oh my–good hats really ARE underrated and that's a great one. Cocky but understated, nice.
    And yes, that's one of the worst things about dreads–trying to get a hat on over them…*snort*…It's interesting and usually makes ya look like a conehead if you manage it at all.

  10. FunkyPlaid Says:
    August 8th, 2005 at 11:48 pm

    Ever see those dreaded folks who cut the top of their hats out to make room for the natty plumage?

  11. seide Says:
    August 7th, 2005 at 8:33 am

    A very fine transformation indeed, when both the before and the after are wonderful!
    And hats, I should have known you'd get it.

  12. FunkyPlaid Says:
    August 8th, 2005 at 11:47 pm

    Heheh. Thank you for your kind words. I certainly appreciate people who enjoy bits of archaic culture, and also those who enjoy resurrecting them with as little affectation as possible – who live with them as a modern-day adornment or activity, rather than as a costume piece or a attention-grabber.

  13. hermiston Says:
    August 7th, 2005 at 10:20 am

    thanks for that, now ah'll be able to tell you apart from your dreadful evil twin and ah'll run him out of the kingdom…
    you look fresh and fantastic, but moreover your expression of *why* has been delightful and compelling. Folk that read your piece here can take, and some clearly have taken, this impulse at introspection and re-assessment. While your motivation and action was personal, your sharing has had a side effect of which you can be so proud.

  14. FunkyPlaid Says:
    August 8th, 2005 at 11:44 pm

    Most people just look at the pictures. But that's okay. That's why I've got you and Ang. 🙂
    I love seeing you crop up in this journal. It's like having you right around the corner from me…and we don't even have to drink ourselves into uselessness!

  15. fairyarmadillo Says:
    August 7th, 2005 at 10:52 am

    You look gorgeous as ever.
    I fully approve of the hat wearing.

  16. FunkyPlaid Says:
    August 8th, 2005 at 11:40 pm

    Hiya! And thanks. There was simply no way to fit those tangly bastards underneath that stylish felt.

  17. avalokita Says:
    August 7th, 2005 at 11:42 am

    Breeze on the back of the head is nice. I'm afraid I miss it now that my hair has grown out…

  18. FunkyPlaid Says:
    August 8th, 2005 at 11:38 pm

    I've got clippers. You can go back to Jersey bald as a melon if you really fancy a breeze.

  19. avalokita Says:
    August 9th, 2005 at 8:52 am

    I don't hate my hair that much.

  20. angledge Says:
    August 7th, 2005 at 3:44 pm

    I think there are parts of ourselves that we make that will last a lifetime. Happily, fashion statements aren't one of those parts. The deeper creations of the self will withstand.

  21. FunkyPlaid Says:
    August 8th, 2005 at 11:37 pm

    Very true, but I would mention here that sometimes people take – and mistake – their fashion statements to be inherent, indelible portions of their person…and their identity.
    Some of us grow past it, and even then, still struggle with aspects of the transition.

  22. dirtbaby Says:
    August 7th, 2005 at 8:47 pm

    I have known you too long to see the shell, although I must admit you are very fetching in your new look.

  23. FunkyPlaid Says:
    August 8th, 2005 at 11:35 pm

    So is it too late now to ask for a date, then? Your wife gave her pre-approval years ago…
    Guess it might help if I liked men a bit more. 🙂

  24. dirtbaby Says:
    August 9th, 2005 at 9:46 am

    yes….no… I don't know. Go away, I am confused about my sexuality at the moment.

  25. FunkyPlaid Says:
    August 9th, 2005 at 10:00 am


  26. defenestr8r Says:
    August 9th, 2005 at 5:40 am

    wow! i can't wait to see in person! pick a night after the 20th of august and i will book us for drinks at frankie's.

  27. FunkyPlaid Says:
    August 9th, 2005 at 2:43 pm

    I'll have to see as we get a bit closer to the date. You're back in the 20th, then?

  28. defenestr8r Says:
    August 9th, 2005 at 4:01 pm

    i'm back the 16th, but i am not really making plans until after the 20th. one of my best friends is coming back from a two year trip the day after i get back, so i am leaving myself open for her. not to mention jetlag!

  29. dr_beep Says:
    August 9th, 2005 at 10:07 am

    It's like Darren and Jeremy were fused in a bizzarre telepod accident!
    In the very best way of course 🙂

  30. FunkyPlaid Says:
    August 9th, 2005 at 2:44 pm

    That'd better be Jeremy Irons you're talking about, or there's gonna be trouble.

  31. dr_beep Says:
    August 9th, 2005 at 2:51 pm

    [[whistles innocently]]

  32. kittynitro Says:
    August 9th, 2005 at 1:50 pm

    Hot dog! You look fabulous!

  33. Anonymous Says:
    August 9th, 2005 at 8:01 pm

    Oh…my…god. What's the *matter* with you?? Don't you know I have a thing for younger men, which has already gotten me in enough trouble for one lifetime?? You look #$%^ing gorgeous! That incandescent smile shows up even better now, Yay!!
    Have fun with the hats, and congratulations on the poetically expressed internal discussion.

  34. FunkyPlaid Says:
    August 10th, 2005 at 11:30 pm

    You always shower me with the finest praise, Kirsty. Thank you very much for keeping up with my life and always having a great deal of support and friendship freely available.

  35. Anonymous Says:
    August 11th, 2005 at 8:37 pm

    Y'r welcome. (Trying to be less…effusive! 🙂 )

  36. hermiston Says:
    August 15th, 2005 at 10:41 am


  37. FunkyPlaid Says:
    August 15th, 2005 at 12:27 pm

    Re: HATShatsHATShatsHATShatsHATS!!!!!!!!!!
    Great site! I fear I'd get lost within the vast expanses of that ten gallon cowboy. Even Dylan has a difficult time pulling it off; he kind of looks like a wet cat, freshly brought from the tub – not a happy gent. Probably because of the hat. But you know he got a million dollars just for that picture…

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