Living and Dying.

I have so much to say and so little time to do it just now. This season is a foggy scirocco of responsibility, closure, transference, and tinsel. I get to wear my felted hat of accommodation more in December than in any month of the year; the store and her customers demand it, but this is not a complaint. Like I said, I just have a lot to say, but I just said that. Staid said. Stayed. Accommodation, looking to be accommodated, looking for something inside myself that is comfortable with the ear and the mouth, the listen and the talk. Dialogue. Diatribe.

Frolics through the forest reverberate for days, honey on the pillow, frosty words attempting to pigeonhole something as free as a sound somehow managed to materialize from nothingness (and my heart), and there is always good wine being consumed, despite the fact that my tiny, electronic brain recently died and I lost a year’s worth of diligently accumulated tasting notes.

Speaking of death, why does everyone keep dying this month? Is it all the guilt from cards unwritten and presents forgotten? Stop with the fucking passing away, because we miss you. We fucking miss you, and it’s really hard to communicate through the veil of mortality, okay? I’ve been clinging so tenaciously to this delicate life that I think my toes are going to fall off…I’m so unbelievably in love with this experience, every little sense and feeling – if I forget to acknowledge each minute thing, it might elude me, it might discard me.

I’ve never wanted to live bigger, or to breathe deeper. I’m full of breath and breadth, and fully aware that the little holes that make me up will be addressed and filled. As long as I have the time, as long as I’m lucky enough, blessed enough, strong enough…accommodating…to myself.

8 Responses to “Living and Dying.”

  1. no_mans_land Says:
    December 16th, 2005 at 11:05 pm

    <small>I've never wanted to live bigger, or to breathe deeper.
    i feel the same. it is one of the few positive byproducts of mortality reminders. i'm hanging on to it with all of my might.</small>

  2. FunkyPlaid Says:
    December 18th, 2005 at 12:24 am

    I can feel it in your words, even from this distance.

  3. dsrt_faery Says:
    December 17th, 2005 at 11:51 am

    I’ve never wanted to live bigger, or to breathe deeper…………
    what a lovely way to express that sentiment.
    as one who must join you in the accomodation department during this season (retail hell, some would say) I feel you. Dont forget to pamper yourself a bit – hottubs are a good place to start, followed by a few fingers of some truly excellent single malt.
    happy holidays luv – sorry for your loss

  4. FunkyPlaid Says:
    December 18th, 2005 at 12:27 am

    Pampering is a good idea – perhaps I could craft a hot-tub filled with whisky. That'd be nice…and astringent!
    Thanks for your words here, S; and I hope the holiday hippies roll right off you, as well.

  5. dichroicynosure Says:
    December 17th, 2005 at 8:48 pm

    A gorgeous and well worded post.
    "looking for something inside myself that is comfortable with the ear and the mouth, the listen and the talk."
    glad we are walking together on this one (amid others)

  6. FunkyPlaid Says:
    December 18th, 2005 at 12:29 am

    Huh? Did you say something? I was too busy TALKING ABOUT MYSELF.

  7. velvetdahlia Says:
    December 18th, 2005 at 2:38 am

    Blessed Yule! I have a similar feeling when the days are so short– but they will get longer.
    I was sick last week, and it was pretty bad– it made me realize that this is it really, and it needs to be lived with as little compromise as possible.
    It's strange, but people in London seem kinder– I am happy to not be in retail this Christmas– though I have had to in the past and it was very draining.
    The whisk(e)y hot tub sounds like a burning good idea.

  8. FunkyPlaid Says:
    December 18th, 2005 at 12:51 pm

    And to you!
    I'm sorry to hear about your illness, and I hope you'll be burning it away with good thoughts and poignant drink. I was just chatting with my closest friend, living in London just now, and he says it's colder than a wisp these days. I imagine the place looks just divine at holiday time!

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