Dear Last Day of the Year:
So much has happened between us and your many forebears that I barely have the words to express how overfull of emotion I am at the prospect of leaving. It’s been one wild ride, and I’ll never forget all the changes you and your ilk have brought to my life. We’ve enjoyed both great and hollow days together, and like many fruitful relationships, I will sometimes regret the space that you will leave me with. But there are things ahead for which I do not think that you are prepared, and it is a noble thing that we do on this night to make the transition easier for both of us. We owe it to each other.
You’d been listening to me threaten to leave home so many times. And as comfortable as you tried to make me, including all of your scheming together with that promiscuous minx San Francisco, with her gorgeous food, hotbed of technology, and pendulous foghorns, it felt like it was all a disingenuous ruse to get me to hang my many hats there forever. Every time I left the house, I was frustrated by all the negative feedback. You tried to tell me that it didn’t matter, that as long as I stuck with the comfy routine it would all smooth out. But it didn’t, and I resented you for it. I was tired of staying indoors with all of that beautiful weather just beyond the threshold. It’s true: your home was lovely. Our days together were incredibly busy, but fascinatingly fun. And you really do have the best friends of anyone I know. (Feel free to forward my new address to them if you don’t mind.) But you, my dear, have done quite enough – consciously or not – to ensure that I remember why I stayed, and also to understand why I must go.
As it comes to the end, however, I want you to know what great things you brought to me, because that is what will stay with me after tomorrow, and also what will remain in my consciousness as your great importance in my life. You deserve to know this, because you helped it happen.
We had a year of passion, of hedonism, and of projected nostalgia. It seemed like every night was filled with a new taste or smell, and even with all of the activities we playfully noted down upon your deliciously flat stomach, it still didn’t feel like we got to spend enough time with everyone whom we loved so much. We certainly played much more than we argued, but I couldn’t get rid of the feeling that each meeting might very well be the last (my fault more than yours). Through all of this, you kept a straight face, and soldiered on like this was how it was going to be…forever. That total acceptance did so much for my confidence, and you couldn’t have possibly known that it would actually bolster my final decision. How selfless of you, in retrospect!
Last Day, you remind me this very instant that I was worth everything I dreamed. You made many things easier during the process. Sure, some of this was by sheer fortuitousness, but it wouldn’t be right not to ensure that you get the credit for much of it. You introduced me to great new friends and reminded me about the old ones upon whom I could really rely to help out. You took care of my loved ones while I was deep in internal transition, and made sure I had the time and space to be in close contact with them through the whole thing. And, perhaps most important of all, you showed me a brand-new, rich, green playground in which to spend my downtime, and I loved it so much that I decided to stay a while. You did a good thing for me, with good intention, and I’m sorry that there’s not enough room to bring you along. In the long-term, I honestly think you wouldn’t be happy here. And I really do want you to be happy, with or without me.
How can I ever thank you enough for these things? Well, Last Day, I thank you by moving on and no longer being a burden for you to manage. I hope you won’t linger behind, because I’ll be looking ahead. The future is so very bright for me now, and I’ll always remember your contributions that helped get me to this point. I won’t see you tomorrow, but I’ll be singing our favorite song for many Last Days to come.
3 Responses to “Forward Motion”
January 12th, 2012 at 12:25 pm
Oh, Darren….It's so lovely to read your writings again from Bonnie Scotia. I am so amazed at your eloguence.
Lang may yer lum reek, in Auld Reekie!!!!
Awrabest for 2012.
Moira and Zed
January 30th, 2012 at 9:24 pm
Ach, Sabine!!! Her fav color is also purple!! Kindred spirits. We saw her on Tuesday. Another incredible experience. She is a truly wonderful little person.
Moira and Zed
January 31st, 2012 at 12:55 pm
She is the *most* wonderful, Moira. Missing the whole tribe of you.